Expectations, Intimacy, and Shared Life
Purpose #
To surface unspoken expectations and ground shared life; emotionally, spiritually, and physically, in service to the Lord and each other.
Key Scriptures #
1 Corinthians 7:1–5; Hebrews 13:4; Proverbs 24:3–4; Ecclesiastes 4:9–12
1 Corinthians 7:1–5 (LEB)
7Now concerning the things about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to touch a woman.” 2 But because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife and let each woman have her own husband. 3 The husband must fulfill his obligation to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but her husband does. And likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but his wife does. 5 Do not defraud one another, except perhaps by agreement, for a time, in order that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and then you should be together again, lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of self control.
Hebrews 13:4
Marriage must be held in honor by all, and the marriage bed be undefiled, because God will judge sexually immoral people and adulterers.
Proverbs 24:3-4
3 By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established. 4 And by knowledge, rooms are filled with all riches, precious and pleasant.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
9 Two are better than the one, for they enjoy a better reward for their toil. 10 For if they fall, one will help up his companion. But pity the one who falls and there is no one to help him up. 11 Also if two lie together, they can keep each other warm. But how can one person be warm? 12 Although an assailant may overpower one person, two may withstand him. A threefold cord is not easily broken!
Themes #
Many marital wounds come from unspoken expectations.
- Not just unspoken, but a pattern of letting your expectations be unmet can lead to strife.
- It’s up to both people in the marriage to be on the lookout: remember, together you face unspoken expectations, you do not face each other’s expectations, be united
Intimacy is covenantal and requires safety, communication, and grace.
- No one is safer to talk to than your spouse (within reason, I think there’s a place for men’s/women’s group kind of stuff, pastoral counseling, etc. but in general no one should be safer to share something with than your spouse)
Faithfulness is sustained through shared rhythms and priorities.
- Patterns are powerful
- In our lives, I for sure notice when we slip into patterns of lack-of-intimacy or communication, and the longer you “get by” the easier it is to live that way
- “Missing something once is a mistake, missing something twice is the start of a new habit.” The point being that it takes work to communicate, and you should plan to communicate often. Missing a date, or an agreed-upon-time to talk about something once is just a mistake, but don’t let yourselves push off hard conversations (either together or individually)
Discussion Prompts #
Expectations #
What are you most looking forward to in daily married life?
What concerns you about sharing life so closely?
Intimacy #
How do you communicate needs, boundaries, and fears?
- with great trust in your spouse
- openly, hopefully.
- do not assume the first thing said is what is meant, maybe you need to work through it together to figure out what one of you needs
How will you protect intimacy after marriage?
Shared Life #
How do you approach money and financial decisions?
- Our approach: God gives us everything and we recognize that any ordered system requires a hierarchy of decision makers. I “make the final decision” which is often to trust what Kassia wants to do with some money. Kassia asks me about financial things, not for permission, but for information. Then from the information, we decide together and if we disagree it’s up to me to put my foot down on it or defer to her in our disagreement (both circumstances happen)
What rhythms help you remain spiritually grounded?
Mentor Contribution #
Share principles, not details, regarding intimacy and finances.
Emphasize patience, mutual service, and long-term faithfulness.